Yeah... I think it's all the ice cream and french fries that I ate just a few minutes ago that's keeping me awake.  I know I should be in bed now... after all, we're gonna be up and running again in order to look for Jamie's church to work in.  But I don't know I just think that I need to do a little more before hitting the hay for good.

My body's really weird sometimes.  I know I've spent all my energy at the mall, traveling back to the dorm, and working my ass off with my articles, but still I'm not yet sleepy.  I guess I'm going to have to wait till I feel the drowsiness kicking in.  T_T




.... I miss him.

I woke up feeling like shit and my day just ended in a big pile of shit.  Sorry.. I just need to let out all this bad steam in me.  Seriously, not only is it driving me into fury and insanity, but it's affecting the way I handle other people like Jayson and my sister Jamie.  I mean, who wouldn't after being shunned of a little bit of cash from your own father, not being able to eat for the entire day except after discreetly begging for money, and having to deal with the fact that starting tomorrow I have to go to school at freakin' 8 in the morning for a class that clearly sucks balls.

Another night, another set finished.  So far my performance in EPH is stable enough to keep me away from any more warnings... I just wish Ma'am Chickay would already lower it down since I'm barely submitting late already.  The only times I've been delayed are when I'm out of the house with Jayson or when I'm too tired to write.

Wow... another month, another chapter in my life unfolding before my eyes.  Since this is going to be another long one, I guess I should start with my thoughts about the past month. 
March was definitely Vacation Month because I went with Ama with her trip to Dubai and Turkey.  Unfortunately I'm not the type who writes down every single thing that happened to me on a long trip so I'm NOT going to do that here.  Let's just say it was a great vacation only because I got to see so many interesting places and learn about so many different things about the two countries.  I then came back here to Bacolod to spend the rest of my March in solitude until our appointments with DLSU. 

YES, it's final, I'm heading back to DLSU.  I dunno if I'll be taking B.S. Biology but I'm crossing my fingers on it. ^__^

Anyway, lately it's been so hectic, stressful, and frustrating for me not because I have tons of work but because of my problems with my father and grandmother.  I can't really blame them for repeatedly reminding me that I wasted their time, hard work, and money most especially after giving up on CommArts, but I know for a fact that, that mistake wasn't done without clear thinking and deep reflecting.  I wasn't happy.  I was very very upset and frustrated with my course and my life back then that I just didn't have the will to go on anymore.  I am willing though to learn from such a mistake and I am more than willing to make up for it.  I just wish they would understand and give me one last chance to make things right.  Sadly though they aren't making things any easier for me.  My dad yells at me, my grandma nags at me, and even my sister embarrasses me in front of them that I'm a crybaby, I have "no manners", etc etc.  Last night most especially was too much for me to handle, so I broke down and cried my heart out after a month of holding everything in.

Thank God though that I have a lot of special people with me.  It's like this year has become the year where I finally get to taste the sweetest feelings of friendship.  I was able to make a lot of friends through my part time work at EPH even though I tend to isolate myself, I was able to get in touch with my old college friends in DLSU, my bessies April, Rosario, and Christina, my best friend Jeanny who I met through the Dubai-Turkey trip, and most of all, I met the sweetest, most amazing person through Jeanny herself as well.  I am also very very blessed to have my family, especially my mom, my sisters, my aunts Ai Bea and Ai Myra, and my cousins who never stopped to show just how much I mean to them.  If it weren't for these people, I would've probably ended up the way I used to be before.  Rebellious, depressed, and unhappy. I love you guys!! I really do

For this last part, I sit back and think about this new person in my life.  I never thought I would meet anybody I could be interested in after my break up with Harlan, but who would've thought that someone by the name of Jayson would walk into my life and love me despite all the flaws and possible reasons not to look back at me twice.  I met him through Jeanny actually... she wanted to meet her old high school and college friends on the night before we were to leave Manila.  Her mom insisted that she take me with her, but I was too shy and scared at first to agree.  But with much encouragement and assurance that I won't feel left out, I agreed. 

And there, right in front of Starbucks situated under the condo, I met Jayson.  Just by listening to Beyonce's song "Halo" is enough to express just how I feel about him.  He's everything I could ever want in a guy, and I'm hoping that won't change no matter what.  I guess you can say that, today, I finally feel and realize that I am very much in love with him.  Though I'm not entirely over the past, I can say that I'm not going to look back in longing and sadness anymore.  There's a feeling inside me that's telling me this is the person for me, but I'm not going to answer to that call unless I am sure myself that I am happy and am ready to open my entire self to him.  I just hope he can handle a wacky, emotional, fragile, and sometimes crazy girl like me... hehehe..

Happy April 1 everybody!  God bless and never forget to smile and be thankful for the people around you, all of your blessings, and of course the fact that you're still alive and ready to move on. MWAAAHHUGS!!

        

Stephanie’s List of Lifetime Goals as of March 9, 2009:

·         Graduate from Vet Med School and become a doctor for animals.

·         Go on a trip out of the country on my own.

·         Get a job that I will enjoy very much.

·         Buy my own car and laptop computer.

·         Build a farm/stable where I can raise horses and cattle.

·         Contribute to the betterment of endangered species in any way.

·         Get a better henna tattoo on my back.

·         Publish my own book for myself.

·         Find the man for me, marry him, and have children.  If not, have my own child even without a husband. 

·         Buy a Turkish carpet (wool on cotton/silk)

·         Give myself a full body spa treatment.

·         Have a romantic getaway in any random yet beautiful place.

·         Raise several dogs with all the love and care I can give them.

·         Have a really big family reunion.

·         Spend Christmas by the fireplace.

·         Shed tears of happiness without feeling guilty about the mistakes I have done in the past.

·         Spend one whole day inside a Church talking to God.

·         Attend a concert of any of my favorite artists.

·         Build a summer house by the beach.

·         Sponsor a helpful project of any good organization for any good cause.

·         See my future children fulfill their dreams.