I wrote this in order to gather my thoughts for today's lecture on marriage.  My professor asked everyone in the class to bring a tangible object that, in our opinion, represents marriage.  I brought my big, red, Blue Magic heart throw pillow as my tangible symbol and am hoping this explanation fits the purpose.

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Choosing this throw pillow, I have no other explanation as to why this is a symbol or representation of marriage to me but this simple comparison:

 Though this may not apply to the boys here in class, think of this pillow as something, whatever it may be, you have in your room and which you grew up with.  You have a pillow in your bed, a pillow that deep in your heart, no matter how embarrassing it may be to the eyes of your friends, is special to you.  Every time you come home from a long day at school or work, all you’d want to do is just plop onto your bed and pull that pillow close to you.  You cuddle it, savoring the softness of its texture, and instantly fall asleep on it. 

 Now, think about the time you cried because of a painful break-up with an ex or a fight between you and your best friend.  What do you normally do whenever you lock yourself in your room and want to cry all night because of the anger and pain caused by the situation?  Since there’s no more boyfriend to cry to, no best friend to share your pains with, you turn to your pillow.  Your tears trickle and fall onto it, soaking it, you scream and punch it as you envision your ex or best friend’s face in it, but it calms you and makes you feel better because you were able to scream, yell, punch, and cry to it.  It doesn’t yell back at you, it doesn’t criticize you, but listens to you and allows you to hold it while you pour your heart out.

 This throw pillow doesn’t symbolize the actual idea of marriage per se.  I brought this throw pillow as a symbol of what you have once you are married.  Considering all factors, you got married to a person who has been with you for a long time.  This person accepts you for who you are, both bad and good sides, is with you in your triumphs and failures, listens to you when you have problems or are angry at someone, and of course helps you up when you’ve fallen.

 You might be wondering, “What’s the difference?  Even if we’re not married, I can still have someone who cares for me, believes in me, and does all that other stuff anyway.”  The difference, ladies and gentlemen, is the fact that you two have committed yourself to one another and that he or she is gonna be there no matter what; no matter how long and no matter where you go.  If you’re just live-in partners, there’s no assurance that the person you’re with isn’t just going to walk out the door when he or she’s had enough of your yelling and screaming.  There’s no guarantee that the person is going to stick around when you’re experiencing a crisis in your life.  A husband or a wife is more than just someone who shares in your finances, who you have great sex with, or who you are madly in love with.  He or she is a person who respects you, who believes in you, who accepts you, and who is willing to go through everything just to grow old with you.  

 Just like a pillow sitting there in your bed, no matter how far you go, no matter how late you come home, no matter how hard you scream and punch and yell at them, and no matter how tired you are after a long day at work that you just want to lie down and sleep, that pillow is still going to be there to cushion your hardships, pains, and sorrows.  That person, that someone you’ve declared your dying love to, will be there when you feel the need to squeeze someone, when you want to shout for joy because of a promotion, or even when you want to just hold him or her in your arms and dream about the future with that person.   

      

Back when I was still in high school, my parents, friends, teachers, and everyone else who were over the age of 25-30 would tell me that "Life" begins when you've graduated from university, have started and worked under a company for several years, and when you're to begin a family of your own.  Of course, dealing with a teenager like me, they placed more emphasis on graduating and getting a job so that I wouldn't stray away from the plans and goals they have for me, which is really not a problem at all.  Totally understood what they were getting at. 

What they didn't expect though was a teenager like me being able to study and work at the same time, and it all happened when I found Essays.ph in an ad in Jobstreet.

The history before becoming a member of Essays.ph was really memorable for me, especially because of the fact that I was supposed to be one of the typical college students striving hard to start thesis work and finally graduate from college.  No, my entire set of goals were way different from those of my Communication Arts block-mates.  I wanted some form of financial independence already, and due to several personal reasons on the side as well, I just really needed the extra cash.  I tried signing up in websites like Jobstreet and JobsDB and even tried applying for jobs that are normally posted on electrical posts along Gil Puyat and EDSA Rotonda.  As long as I fit the requirements posted in the ads, I was willing to give it a shot.  I got lucky a few times, being accepted for an internship and several interviews, but unfortunately, because I was only 18, my chances of getting hired were very slim.  One of the companies I applied for actually liked my interview and had no problem hiring me, but because of their age policies, they just gave me an encouraging smile before I got on the elevator to go home.

I was at the brink of giving up when I saw the ad of Essays.ph in my inbox.  The words "work at home", "student", and "18 and above" were like diamonds shining in the black sand.  I immediately checked the website, read through every single detail, and quickly made my way to the application form.  Filling up all the details, I stopped and pondered on what possible work piece I could submit for my application.  I then remembered the one article that burned all my hopes and dreams of ever being recognized as a potential magazine writer and decided it was time to give it another shot. 

You see, I was a feature writer for DLSU-Manila's feature magazine.  I was assigned by my editor a topic on the evolution of video game controllers and it was my first time to write a long feature by myself.  I worked diligently, made the deadlines, but in the end the article never got published.  Instead, they scrapped the entire article, took a portion of it, and integrated it with a senior writer's article because it had some relation to his topic.  I never wanted to write for the school paper ever again after that, but deep down I knew that my work was worth keeping and saving for a better purpose, and later on I realized that it was to become a content writer for Essays.ph.

For the past year that I've been writing for Essays.ph, I've had a lot of adventures, experiences (both good and bad), and learned a lot when it comes to working under a real company.  It was interesting because I was one of the youngest in the first batch of EPH writers, and it shocked me at first that most of my co-writers were way older than me, some of them already married and raising children.  But of course that didn't stop me from interacting with them, especially the staff, if I needed guidance, help with instructions, and wanted to get to know the rest of the EPH community.  Eventually, I got the hang of the job and did my best to produce work that was expected of a writer of Essays.ph.

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If I were to choose a particular adventure or experience that was closest to my heart, it would have to be on the night of October 13, 2008.  I was finishing up an assignment on lasik eye treatment and was SUPER relieved when I posted the finished .zip file on the designated thread.  This was because I was working in a noisy 24/7 internet cafe with really bad lighting and loud-mouth DOTA players screaming from my left, right, as well as from behind.  If I had lasted any longer, I would've been a candidate for lasik eye surgery myself.  So, getting ready to leave, I did my usual post-assignment routine by browsing through the forums for any update or interesting reply in any of the Cafeteria's threads.  It was then I realized that I saw three threads in the Conference Room. BLUE. GREEN. RED. 

I have to be honest with you, I'm an open book.  I literally squealed when I realized I was promoted to the Blue Team.  My eyes were wide open, I was reading through the Blue Team Online Manual like wildfire, and I just had to text message my family about it.  Now, you guys may think this is really something normal if you've been working at a company for quite some time, but this promotion meant a lot of things to me.  Here, let me break it down for you.  

• For starters, this was my very first promotion in my entire "career" as a writer.  I never got promoted as a regular writer in the school paper and was never recognized in the list of feature writers whenever a new publication was out for circulation.  To put it simply, it was definitely an achievement I would've loved to shove down their throats. 
  
• Second, it was the very first time that I felt the appreciation and recognition that I thought I would never experience as a writer.  With so many rejections, criticisms, and thumbs-down towards my work, I never really expected Essays.ph to actually consider me in the roster for Blue Team members.  Though I got encouragement from my fellow writers, I never once expected to become a Blue Team member.
• Third, it was an achievement I could finally be proud of and boast to my family.  My dad and grandmother always thought I was lazy, incompetent, and had no sense of direction when it came to my future.  They always lectured me to learn the values of work and responsibility.  After text messaging them that I was promoted, I smiled as I read my dad's message of encouragement, my mom's smiley-filled text of being proud of me, and even my grandmother's words of wisdom even if she didn't really know how to text well.  Each one was a reminder that even if they are harsh or they don't congratulate me for my accomplishments all the time, they are there to give me the support that a family could only give.

But of course, this experience couldn't have come true if I didn't go through problems, mistakes, and made an effort to get out of my comfort zone.  To be honest with you, I made a lot of mistakes that ended up in suspension or delays due to revisions.  But I knew that with this job, I just couldn't give up that easily, and because of that personal determination, I not only progressed as a content writer but also achieved something that I thought was impossible for a person like me:  I made very good friends.  These are friends who were not only there to share in my work joys and sorrows, but friends who were there to share my personal happiness and pain with.  They accept me for who I am, they understand me in my times of confusion and loss, and have even gone out of their way just to spend some free time out of their busy schedules with me, and these small but meaningful gestures of friendship are enough to make me work hard to become not only a better writer but also a better person and friend to everyone, both in and out of Essays.ph.

** It's almost August.  Another month and another long blog post coming up.  Hopefully my writer's block won't hamper my determination to write as it has done to the previous months already.  Tonight, I just want to let out the anger and sadness in me.  And since nobody's ever going to read this, I get to say whatever I want and to whoever I want.

About J.

     Though I love her so much, J's just one of the few people that I seriously cannot STAND at all.  Yes, she's loving.  Yes, she's pretty.  And yes, she's loved by almost everybody I know.  But when she starts acting like she can do whatever she wants, that's the time I want to bash her in the head with anything I can get my hands on and yell at her face, "THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU!  YOU ARE JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE!"
     Lately I've been angry, envious, and upset over a lot of things regarding J.  Every time she comes home and turns on her Instant Messengers, a bunch of people will immediately start conversations with her.  Right now, she's seeing some cute guy (according to her) and is doing it behind her LDR's back.  They're probably doing it to each other already.  I always thought she was stronger than this since she's been through 2 long-distance relationships already, but after seeing the numerous text messages in my Deleted Items folder of her asking the guy to walk her to school, I couldn't contain my disappointment.
     I hate the fact that Dad and Ama think more highly of her than me, even if I am the eldest.  They have no respect for me and assume that she can take better care of me than my own self.  I've been through hell, made a lot of mistakes, but this kind of treatment really makes me wish I can kick her out of the room and make her feel what it's like to be alone without no one to turn to for help.  I want to shut both Dad and Ama up by throwing all kinds of things at them: a diploma, rocks, the BDO Cash Card, and so much more just to prove to them that I don't need their opinions and I don't ever want to hear them say that J can take care of me.  If you don't trust me, then fuck the hell off goddammit!!
     I can't take this anymore.  Honestly, the envy is killing me.  I can't help but hate the fact that strangers would want to ask for her number and not mine.  I hate it that they stare at her and her boobs and not a single glance at me.  I hate the fact that I only attract ugly, pathetic, and worthless people who don't know anything about courting, dating, or handling a woman like me.  I hate it that my own boyfriend doesn't call me pretty, beautiful, gorgeous, and the rest while others who don't even matter to J would gush about her to their mothers.  I hate her.  But I can't hate her because she's done so much for me.

About JYS.

     I feel so helpless.  I feel like I just led myself into another black hole where all I'll ever feel is hurt, anger, sadness, and uncertainty.  And all because I made myself look desperate, pathetic, and helpless without JYS.  He's everything to me, but he doesn't show me that I'm everything to him.  I'm always available for him while he's rarely available for me.  I always tell him how much he means to me, while all he ever says is "Love you hun", "Hun can I play?", "Kain muna kami. BRB", and all the other stupid shit he spurts out everyday.  Today, he told me that he feels that he is a loner, that he normally does everything on his own and he doesn't know what to do in his life.  While reading his replies in Windows Messenger, I feel hurt and sad because my presence seemed to not have any effect on his life after all.  Why did he feel that he was a loner when in fact he does everything a loner doesn't do?  Why did he say that when he knows that I am in his life now? 
     This is why I hate myself even more.  I can't demand him to say the right things for once.  I can't tell him to appreciate me and the things that I have done for our relationship because then I would be a hypocrite.  I told him that I love him and don't want to expect anything from him.  I told myself to accept him for who he is because I can't imagine walking out of our relationship by myself.  But deep down, sometimes I wish I had the nerve and the guts to walk away and find someone who is actually afraid of letting me go.  Sometimes, I actually wish he would love me the way I want him to love me.  You know, the usual.
     I want JYS to tell me that I'm beautiful in his eyes and mean it.  I want him to sometimes look at me without saying anything.  I would ask him, "What?  What's wrong?" and he would just say softly, "You're beautiful and I love you." And mean it.  I want him to surprise me with flowers, chocolates, and love letters even if it's not our monthsary or anniversary yet.  I want him to do extraordinary things for me just to remind me why he courted me in the first place.  I want him to make me feel that I can do anything that I want in this world and he'll always be by my side as I struggle to achieve my goals.  I want JYS to whisper in my ear that I'm the only girl in his life and that no one can ever take my place.  And mean it.
     Sometimes, I want JYS to love me the way I want a man to love me.  But I can't and I'm forced to keep my mouth shut.  I'm forced to just accept who JYS is and be happy for every little moment he remembers me and every little amount of time he shares with me, even if it's just to annoy me, to ask me simple questions, or to ask me to do something for him.  I have to hold myself from bursting in anger for wanting to play games instead of talk to me.  I have to control myself from bursting into tears because I don't want us to fight and make him think that it isn't working between us anymore.  I can't do anything.  I'm worthless, pathetic, and always in desperate need of love.



What's there for me to do then?  How am I to be happy when the two most important people in my life act like jerks and bitches every single day?  And me, how am I supposed to be happy in life when all I'm ever doing is looking for those intangible things that make me happy, like appreciation, love, happiness, kindness, and romance?  This just goes to show you, ladies and gentlemen of the shadows, that I am totally not special, I am a simple and insecure girl who wants what a child wants, and an unstable hopeless romantic who forever and always will be looking for those smiles, those sweet words, those flowers, chocolates, letters, dates, and the stares of loving and appreciative eyes.